Yew Times 8

From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki

Title: Yew Times #8

Author: Yew Town Council

CURRENT NEWS

LIQUOR FUELED FISHING TRIP ENDS IN TRAGEDY

The Royal guard urge responsibility when drinking while fishing following a tragic incident where a local youth strangled his cousin in a drunken rage following a leisurely day of fishing. According to locals, the two cousins Smeagol and Deagol were excited about their recent purchases of the new dredging hooks and were looking to try their luck at Lock Lake. What led to the conflict is highly speculated, but observers from shore witnessed the two young men wrestling in their small boat prior to the incident which would ultimately result in the death of one of the youths. When asked by witnesses why he did it, he remorselessly claimed that he did it for the “precious”; fleeing before authorities could arrive. Sergeant Woodrow of the Britannian guard stated, “I have seen too many cases like this. What starts off as an enjoyable fishing excursion, turns into a confrontation when alcohol becomes part of the mix. Maybe, one party is having a good string of luck, and the other is having an off-day. Then one makes a bit of a jest that the other takes too personally. Pretty soon, you have one person bearing a grudge, just sitting there quietly drinking with an alchohol-fueled storm cloud hanging over his head, just waiting for the other guy to say the wrong thing. And there you have it. So, remember folks, fish responsibly. And save the drinking for when you’re telling the fish stories at the tavern.”

UNEMPLOYMENT HITS RECORD HIGH

Employment has hit a record high, fanning fears that economic recovery may be further on the horizon than previously thought. Britannia is close to seeing one thousand citizens struggling to find work with an increasing visible number of unemployed milling about in the street. Vendors are tightening their belts as they are witnessing a further decline in customers seeking high end goods. While there has been little increase in crime, there have been alleged reports of jobless citizens nicknamed "wish stealers" habitually pillaging the fountain of fortune for coins, much to the chagrin of barefooted donors bemoaning the disappearance of their Soles of Providence.

PUPPET SPECTACLE COMES TO UNTIMELY END

A puppeteer was savagely beaten by a paper mache` handpuppet today when a man lunged from the audience and tackled the entertainer during the performance of Buster and Judith, an ongoing saga about the trevails of a ne’er do well buffoon and his disapproving wife. The assailant, who wished to remain anonymous contends that he attended the puppet show upon hearing of its popularity. The subject became convinced that the specific conversations and certain details of the witless puppet’s life so closely matched his own that his day to day activities must have been somehow covertly targetted for source material. Feeling that the artist was airing his personal dirty laundry in public, and profitting at his expense, the subject became enraged as Buster the puppet began to lament over his sexual inadequacy in his marriage, as the audience convulsed in gales of laughter. The subject claimed that he couldn’t suffer any further indignity, and did what he felt needed to be done. The besieged puppeteer declined to comment on his attacker’s allegations.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

TRAVELER LINGO:

When traveling in Haven, you may encounter tourists looking to be shown to the local docks because they heard of a magical fish that grants wishes. Don’t be caught off guard by their peculiar jargon. They are just expressing in an innocuous manner that they are looking to solicit one of the many prostitutes that frequent the piers. magical fish: hookers wishes: sexual favors

TAVERN NIGHT

On the date of 08/15/11 at nine pm eastern time, The Hall of Drunken Elders (Falling Waters Fortress) will be hosting the Tavern Night located at the Malas Facet 10.01'S 10.03'E

ADVERTISEMENT

TIRED? DEPRESSED? WE CAN HELP!

Are you tired of the endless days of torment, always seeking to get ahead with nothing to show for it? Do you feel that no one understands you, and that everyone would probably be better off without you? If that is the case then maybe I can help you out? My name is Redclaw Reaper, and I run the Redclaw's Assisted Suicide in Umbra. All across Britannia, there are thousands of people like yourself struggling with living and lack either the energy or courage to end it themselves. 25 years of experience with the assassins guild has provided me with the sort of training and experience where I can finally benefit those such as yourself. Redclaw's Assisted Suicide is completely licensed and bonded, and offers a variety of plans to send you off into the great beyond. If you are the anxious type and don't want to know when it's going to happen, we can arrange to stalk you and bump you off at some unexpected moment such as when you are enjoying a cup of expresso, or engaging in some intimate moment with your sweetheart. We can also discuss group rates for unhappy families; we'd be perfectly happy to make a house call and bump off the whole lot of you at once, or pick you off individually over a period of days. We have yet to have an unhappy customer come back and complain about our service. Why don't you become our next customer? All we ask is that you fully pay up in advance; no installments accepted.

FROM THE STAFF

If you wish to advertise in this section. Please contact any Town of Yew member, Wheel of Time member, or Clan Moor with what you wish to advertise. We will be glad to help write it up if you need help or write up your own ad. We ask for a donation of around 10k per page and, have it no longer than five pages.

We also seek history of guilds or establishments in these lands.

Each Sunday at 9:15pm eastern, we "try" to hand out the newest edition of the Yew Times. You will be able to find us upstairs at the Empath Abbey in Trammel Yew. Feel free to check there each week to get the newest paper! Publish 2 Edition 8, 8-7-2011