Yew Times 8
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Title: Yew Times #8
Author: Yew Town Council
CURRENT NEWS
LIQUOR FUELED FISHING
TRIP ENDS IN TRAGEDY
The Royal guard urge
responsibility when drinking
while fishing following a
tragic incident where a
local youth strangled his
cousin in a drunken rage
following a leisurely day
of fishing. According to
locals, the two cousins
Smeagol and Deagol were
excited about their recent
purchases of the new
dredging hooks and were
looking to try their luck
at Lock Lake. What led
to the conflict is highly
speculated, but observers
from shore witnessed the
two young men wrestling
in their small boat prior
to the incident which
would ultimately result in
the death of one of the
youths. When asked by
witnesses why he did it,
he remorselessly claimed
that he did it for the
“precious”; fleeing
before authorities could
arrive. Sergeant Woodrow
of the Britannian guard
stated, “I have seen too
many cases like this.
What starts off as an
enjoyable fishing
excursion, turns into a
confrontation when alcohol
becomes part of the mix.
Maybe, one party is
having a good string of
luck, and the other is
having an off-day. Then
one makes a bit of a
jest that the other
takes too personally.
Pretty soon, you have
one person bearing a
grudge, just sitting there
quietly drinking with an
alchohol-fueled storm
cloud hanging over his
head, just waiting for
the other guy to say the
wrong thing. And there
you have it. So,
remember folks, fish
responsibly. And save the
drinking for when you’re
telling the fish stories at
the tavern.”
UNEMPLOYMENT HITS
RECORD HIGH
Employment has hit a
record high, fanning fears
that economic recovery
may be further on the
horizon than previously
thought. Britannia is close
to seeing one thousand
citizens struggling to find
work with an increasing
visible number of
unemployed milling about in
the street. Vendors are
tightening their belts as
they are witnessing a
further decline in
customers seeking high
end goods. While there
has been little increase in
crime, there have been
alleged reports of jobless
citizens nicknamed "wish
stealers" habitually
pillaging the fountain of
fortune for coins, much
to the chagrin of
barefooted donors
bemoaning the
disappearance of their
Soles of Providence.
PUPPET SPECTACLE
COMES TO
UNTIMELY END
A puppeteer was savagely
beaten by a paper mache`
handpuppet today when a
man lunged from the
audience and tackled the
entertainer during the
performance of Buster
and Judith, an ongoing
saga about the trevails
of a ne’er do well
buffoon and his
disapproving wife. The
assailant, who wished to
remain anonymous
contends that he attended
the puppet show upon
hearing of its popularity.
The subject became
convinced that the
specific conversations and
certain details of the
witless puppet’s life so
closely matched his own
that his day to day
activities must have been
somehow covertly
targetted for source
material. Feeling that the
artist was airing his
personal dirty laundry in
public, and profitting at
his expense, the subject
became enraged as Buster
the puppet began to
lament over his sexual
inadequacy in his marriage,
as the audience convulsed
in gales of laughter. The
subject claimed that he
couldn’t suffer any
further indignity, and did
what he felt needed to
be done. The besieged
puppeteer declined to
comment on his
attacker’s allegations.
PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT
TRAVELER LINGO:
When traveling in Haven,
you may encounter
tourists looking to be
shown to the local docks
because they heard of a
magical fish that grants
wishes. Don’t be caught
off guard by their
peculiar jargon. They are
just expressing in an
innocuous manner that
they are looking to solicit
one of the many
prostitutes that frequent
the piers.
magical fish: hookers
wishes: sexual favors
TAVERN NIGHT
On the date of 08/15/11
at nine pm eastern
time, The Hall of Drunken
Elders (Falling Waters
Fortress) will be hosting
the Tavern Night located
at the Malas Facet
10.01'S 10.03'E
ADVERTISEMENT
TIRED? DEPRESSED? WE
CAN HELP!
Are you tired of the
endless days of torment,
always seeking to get
ahead with nothing to
show for it? Do you feel
that no one understands
you, and that everyone
would probably be better
off without you? If that
is the case then maybe I
can help you out? My
name is Redclaw Reaper,
and I run the Redclaw's
Assisted Suicide in Umbra.
All across Britannia,
there are thousands of
people like yourself
struggling with living and
lack either the energy or
courage to end it
themselves. 25 years of
experience with the
assassins guild has
provided me with the
sort of training and
experience where I can
finally benefit those such
as yourself. Redclaw's
Assisted Suicide is
completely licensed and
bonded, and offers a
variety of plans to send
you off into the great
beyond. If you are the
anxious type and don't
want to know when it's
going to happen, we can
arrange to stalk you and
bump you off at some
unexpected moment such
as when you are enjoying
a cup of expresso, or
engaging in some intimate
moment with your
sweetheart. We can also
discuss group rates for
unhappy families; we'd be
perfectly happy to make
a house call and bump
off the whole lot of you
at once, or pick you off
individually over a period
of days. We have yet to
have an unhappy customer
come back and complain
about our service. Why
don't you become our
next customer? All we
ask is that you fully pay
up in advance; no
installments accepted.
FROM THE STAFF
If you wish to advertise
in this section. Please
contact any Town of Yew
member, Wheel of
Time member, or Clan
Moor with what you wish
to advertise. We will be
glad to help write it up
if you need help or write
up your own ad. We ask
for a donation of around
10k per page and, have it
no longer than five pages.
We also seek history of guilds or establishments in these lands.
Each Sunday at 9:15pm eastern, we "try" to hand out the newest edition of the Yew Times. You will be able to find us upstairs at the Empath Abbey in Trammel Yew. Feel free to check there each week to get the newest paper! Publish 2 Edition 8, 8-7-2011