Yew Times 27

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Revision as of 23:17, 3 May 2020

Title: Yew Times #27

Author: Yew Town Council

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CURRENT NEWS

Accidental Tourist Takes Trip to Distant Lands

The mystery of items disappearing from containers may finally be resolved. Dread Lord Popeye reported that he had been consistently experiencing missing items from his home and pinpointed the loss to an armoir on an upper floor of his tower. While further investigating, he somehow passed through the back of the armoir into a snowy landscape, where he soon encountered, in his own words"a female RPer Ice-queen and a midget in a sled" who tried to alternately bribe him with candy and intimidate him. Popeye claimed that he became suspicious of their behavior and insisted upon searching the back of the sleigh for his missing belongings, causing the "midget" to issue threats and becoming quite annoying. Lord Popeye was disappointed that it only took two flamestrikes to take out the both of them, and that his belongings were nowhere to be found. Popeye pointed out that if lightweight RPers are going to play by Fel rules, they should have at least some decent gear. Lady Danica Reviews Land's Defenses

The Crux Ansata entourage led by Lady Danica Amandine marched through many of the Britannian lands on Tuesday, the 24th day of January, with a stop at Yew's Empath Abbey. The field marshall quickly appraised the efforts of Yew's Militia in the preparation of the defense of the land. SunWolf, the militia captain assured her that emergency provisions were at the ready with new recruits conducting drills, and its patrols placed on full alert. A strange forboding hung in the air, as many having come from many lands congregated in front of the abbey... When, where, what..... It is obvious that the citizens of Yew, Human, Orc, and Elven alike, will take care in securing their home at night and give thought to what the new day will bring......

EDITORIALS

World Going on Trip In Handbasket

Citizens are upset and they have plenty of matches. For years they cried out while witnessing gruesome murders, while the delinquent guards stood about idly inside some invisible zone of deafness. Administrations overlooked the needs of the townspeople; its working class being denied insurance or even access to a proper dentist. But what may have been the final straw for the citizens of Britannia, is the recent housing decay incident. Grumbling behind their counters and in the fields were witnesses to the latest act of mass avarice by the privileged class blissfully looting the dispossessed, while the truly worthy are trapped in their meager existences serving the establishment. What is more unforgivable is that nobody made the effort to tell "those people" about this golden opportunity to get ahead, and perhaps to reach for the brass ring for once in their pitiful lives. So, while the "Haves" go about in their prosperous pursuits, they will not even deem to make eye contact with the "Have-Nots" who have been wearing the same pantaloons for an entire decade, whose significant others berate them for not having a new living room set since their home was first built. Who can blame them when they finally lash out against the system? And what do they get handed when they do cry out for equality? Bloody fish steaks! You just want to shout out to them, "Burn it all down! Just burn it to the ground!" But, who would they be hurting but themselves? How are they going to sleep when their beds are burning? Think of the children, wherever they are....

TRAVELOGUE

Hidden Shame

Lying in the western side of the Peaks of Disgrace mountain range south of Yew, resides the dungeon called Shame. What once was a prospering gold mine in its time, is now the domain of elementals. The flooding of its chambers and attacks from the denizens of its depths drove the miners to safer endeavors. Only the remains of the miners and their abandoned equipment lingers behind as a testament of its original purpose. It is unclear if the elementals have always been the native inhabitants, perhaps freed from Shame's depths by underground tremors or transported through the magical portals that allow transit between the levels. If such is the case, was it by accident or by design? What is certain is that in recent times, the occupants have grown more varied, more corrupted, and stronger. If Shame's name is aptly chosen, then like many sins, its secret past has probably been long buried.

Reader Commentary

We asked Silvester Silverlips, veteran reader, bard/adventurer and interior decor savant what he thought about the recent changes in two of the land's dungeons. Mister Silverlips stated, "I don't know who is behind it but I hope they keep it up. When I laid eyes upon the "NEW" Shame, I could have quite literally died. The new monster colors are just breathtaking, and just dazzle the eye. I am trying to get my foot in the door early and enjoy the scene, before the bourgeois riffraff flood it and bring down the whole "energy" of the place.

CLASSIFIEDS

To the abductors who kidnapped my mother-in-law. I apologize that am unable to get my hands on the funds to pay the ransom. 5,000 gold is far beyond my means. Perhaps I can pay in 50 gp installments every other week, or you can just hold onto her until I get the full amount. I spent 100 gp on this ad, so I'm already 2 weeks behind on the first payment. Sorry.

Dear Mister John Smith. I have managed to locate those LLAMAS that you asked for. I am sure that the clientelle at your STABLE will enjoy them. The blonde one is extremely TALENTED and is very good at doing TRICKS. The brunette LLAMA I mentioned is very classy and I would recommend charging extra for RIDES. I can also get you a LLAMA with great legs and nice smile, who is also good at mixing drinks, if you happen to be interested.

ARTS AND LIVING

Green Thumb Reminder

Now is the time to plant those tulip bulbs.