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'''Title: Yew Times #30'''

'''Author: Yew Town Council'''

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WORLD NEWS


Prankster Strikes Again
 
Law officials are on the 
lookout for the individual 
responsible for a recent 
prank, which left many 
with lower back injuries 
and hernias.  With the 
land being absent of a 
monarch for far too long, 
the miraculous appearance 
of a sword in a stone 
seems to have addressed 
the people's cries for 
order.  Etched writing on 
the blade not concealed 
by the stone reads 
"Whosoever shall pulleth 
this sword from this 
stone shall become.."  
There are few citizens of 
the land not familiar with 
the old tale of how a 
squire won a kingdom by 
pulling a similar sword 
from a stone.  As word 
spread, the crowds began 
to gather, as determined 
individuals would try their 
hand at the task of 
drawing the sword, with 
no avail.  Disgruntled 
citizens finally descended 
upon the boulder with 
sledgehammers and 
pickaxes in hand, revealing 
that the sword was 
reinforced with several 
pieces of rebar and the 
remaining writing on the 
sword stating "Cheater!  
LOL!"
 
 
 
Buccaneer's Den 
Celebrates One-Thousandth 
Murder.

 
(Received by message in a 
bottle)
 

Citizens of Buc's Den 
have something to cheer 
about; having hit an 
unprecedented one 
thousand murders within 
its borders. An official 
who asked to remain 
anonymous stated that 
many didn't think that 
this day would ever come 
considering the slump in 
tourism over the last 
few years. The town's 
most recent victim was 
found washed up on shore 
and there was some 
concern that the body 
may have drifted from 
somewhere else until the 
innkeeper, Stabby 
McGillicutty confirmed 
that the individual rented 
a room in his 
establishment the prior 
evening.  The town 
expects a reasonable 
turnout and plans are in 
order for a life-size cake 
in the shape and likeness 
of the victim to be 
sliced into pieces by 
celebrants.  Igor's Men 
will perform vulgar sea 
shanties for the crowd 
and festivities will include 
a face-punching contest.  
Event organizers ask that 
outsiders don't stare or 
make inconsiderate 
comments about the 
residents' many wooden 
legs and hooks as there 
are those very sensitive 
about these things.
 
 
ADVERTISMENTS

 
Spoiled Food is a Thing 
of the Past
 
Are you tired of spoiled 
food?  Have you had 
enough of over-salted 
meats and fish?  Do 
your leftovers end up 
being throwaways?  Then 
put those days of food 
poisoning and unpalatable 
fare behind you with 
Etherware.  Etherware is 
the revolutionary sealable 
food storage system that 
utilizes ethereal forces to 
lock in freshness, because 
etherware generates a 
static bubble of inert 
time to prevent spoilage 
and keep food protected 
from diabolical chaos 
entities that prey on 
innocent foods.  Don't be 
fooled by expensive second 
hand storage like crates 
or bags or you'll just 
end up with egg on your 
face.   Reach for the 
patented food storage 
system with the 
Etherware Seal and look 
forward to many 
countless days of tasty 
leftovers.   
 
 
Smart Home Protection
 

If you are like me, you 
are probably tired of 
inadequate home 
protection while you are 
away.  Maybe you've had 
an unfortunate experience 
returning home, only to 
be attacked at the door 
by one or more merciless 
cutthroats.  Some 
homeowners invest in 
expensive and unsightly 
traps only to find them 
sidestepped by the more 
clever killer.  That is 
why I developed the only 
natural murderer solution 
that received 4 stars 
from Militant Homeowners 
Magazine.  Using an 
exclusive crossbreeding 
method we have created 
a plant that has the 
fullness of a large hedge, 
the elegance of a 
wisteria bush and the 
ferocity of a swamp 
tentacle.  We call it the 
Anti-Murder Bush or the 
Ambush for short.  There 
is no need to be 
concerned over rancid 
bodies littering your 
property because the 
Ambush consumes them 
for vital nutrients 
releasing a fragrant, 
fruity aroma that 
perfumes the air.  And 
there is no reason to be 
worried about the safety 
of yourself or your 
family, because the 
Ambush is very selective 
in its feeding habits and 
only consumes the offal 
of humanity.  So, why 
just buy one?  The 
Ambush can be found 
where plants and 
landscaping goods are sold.


ARTS AND LIVING


Dear Tabi
 
I am just a guy looking 
for a little peace and 
quiet.  I used to live 
next to some broad who 
turned her house into 
some sort of parrot 
sanctuary, and I started 
looking for greener 
pastures.  After finding 
a nice isolated locale, I 
enjoyed a brief period of 
peace.  That is until one 
of 'those guys' moved in; 
you know, the homeowner 
whose house walls are 
made of cascading water. 
Not only is it an 
obscene waste of water, 
but it looks absurd.  Not 
only do I have problems 
getting to sleep with the 
noise next door, but I 
have to get up three 
times a night to pee.  
What does a guy have to 
do to get himself some 
peace.
 

Signed, 
Going over the edge.
 

Dear Over the Edge, 
 
I empathize with you over 
the current situation 
though it could be 
worse...  Imagine the 
waterfall being a gigantic 
bird bath for the 
parrots...  Lots of 
sqawking and ungodly 
amounts of bird droppings 
everywhere.   Perhaps I 
am looking at the glass 
half full in saying that, 
but I would drop by the 
closest cotton field and 
make some legendary ear 
muffs in hopes of 
catching a few ZZZzzz's. 
   
 
Sweet Dreams, 
Tabi

[[Category:The Yew Times]]