Yew Times 30
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Title: Yew Times #30
Author: Yew Town Council
WORLD NEWS
Prankster Strikes Again
Law officials are on the lookout for the individual responsible for a recent prank, which left many with lower back injuries and hernias. With the land being absent of a monarch for far too long, the miraculous appearance of a sword in a stone seems to have addressed the people's cries for order. Etched writing on the blade not concealed by the stone reads "Whosoever shall pulleth this sword from this stone shall become.." There are few citizens of the land not familiar with the old tale of how a squire won a kingdom by pulling a similar sword from a stone. As word spread, the crowds began to gather, as determined individuals would try their hand at the task of drawing the sword, with no avail. Disgruntled citizens finally descended upon the boulder with sledgehammers and pickaxes in hand, revealing that the sword was reinforced with several pieces of rebar and the remaining writing on the sword stating "Cheater! LOL!"
Buccaneer's Den Celebrates One-Thousandth Murder.
(Received by message in a
bottle)
Citizens of Buc's Den
have something to cheer
about; having hit an
unprecedented one
thousand murders within
its borders. An official
who asked to remain
anonymous stated that
many didn't think that
this day would ever come
considering the slump in
tourism over the last
few years. The town's
most recent victim was
found washed up on shore
and there was some
concern that the body
may have drifted from
somewhere else until the
innkeeper, Stabby
McGillicutty confirmed
that the individual rented
a room in his
establishment the prior
evening. The town
expects a reasonable
turnout and plans are in
order for a life-size cake
in the shape and likeness
of the victim to be
sliced into pieces by
celebrants. Igor's Men
will perform vulgar sea
shanties for the crowd
and festivities will include
a face-punching contest.
Event organizers ask that
outsiders don't stare or
make inconsiderate
comments about the
residents' many wooden
legs and hooks as there
are those very sensitive
about these things.
ADVERTISMENTS
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Smart Home Protection
If you are like me, you
are probably tired of
inadequate home
protection while you are
away. Maybe you've had
an unfortunate experience
returning home, only to
be attacked at the door
by one or more merciless
cutthroats. Some
homeowners invest in
expensive and unsightly
traps only to find them
sidestepped by the more
clever killer. That is
why I developed the only
natural murderer solution
that received 4 stars
from Militant Homeowners
Magazine. Using an
exclusive crossbreeding
method we have created
a plant that has the
fullness of a large hedge,
the elegance of a
wisteria bush and the
ferocity of a swamp
tentacle. We call it the
Anti-Murder Bush or the
Ambush for short. There
is no need to be
concerned over rancid
bodies littering your
property because the
Ambush consumes them
for vital nutrients
releasing a fragrant,
fruity aroma that
perfumes the air. And
there is no reason to be
worried about the safety
of yourself or your
family, because the
Ambush is very selective
in its feeding habits and
only consumes the offal
of humanity. So, why
just buy one? The
Ambush can be found
where plants and
landscaping goods are sold.
ARTS AND LIVING
Dear Tabi
I am just a guy looking for a little peace and quiet. I used to live next to some broad who turned her house into some sort of parrot sanctuary, and I started looking for greener pastures. After finding a nice isolated locale, I enjoyed a brief period of peace. That is until one of 'those guys' moved in; you know, the homeowner whose house walls are made of cascading water. Not only is it an obscene waste of water, but it looks absurd. Not only do I have problems getting to sleep with the noise next door, but I have to get up three times a night to pee. What does a guy have to do to get himself some peace.
Signed,
Going over the edge.
Dear Over the Edge,
I empathize with you over the current situation though it could be worse... Imagine the waterfall being a gigantic bird bath for the parrots... Lots of sqawking and ungodly amounts of bird droppings everywhere. Perhaps I am looking at the glass half full in saying that, but I would drop by the closest cotton field and make some legendary ear muffs in hopes of catching a few ZZZzzz's.
Sweet Dreams,
Tabi