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'''Title: Yew Times #20''' '''Author: Yew Town Council''' ------------------------------------ CURRENT NEWS DAY OF GLUTTONY EAGERLY ANTICIPATED This year it appears that no kitchen tables will go empty following an initiative by Britannia's armsmen and warriors to provide foodstuffs to fill the land's larders. Logicians feel confident that bringing down three giant mutants turkeys will be sufficient to meet the needs of the people this thanksgiving season with plenty left over for turkey sadwiches, casseroles and soup leading up to Christmas. Already, Britannia's brave warriors are shlepping through the bogs fighting off hoards of plague beasts and lizardmen to secure the needed cranberries to accompany the Thanksgiving repast. Belt buckles are already being loosened in anticipation of the upcoming gorge-fest. Meanwhile, the captain of the guard is familiarizing his men with the new lightning staffs that will be replacing their usual halberds. The new devices will be employed on Black Friday to control the unruly shopping mob the following day, where store owners will bait competitive shoppers with an artificial scarcity of limited trinkets and gee-gaws that will be fought over tooth and nail. The town guard will then be called in to subdue the feral crowd. The guards' eyes twinkle, looking upon the new toys with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads. And by sugarplums, we mean shoppers; and by dancing, we mean limbs flailing from electric shocks. Everyone looks forward to a memorable Thanksgiving holiday. MASSIVE CONFLAGRATION AWES LOCALS When adventurer Joshua McThornton achieved his grandmastery certification in camping, the excitement of his achievement had waned and left him soonafter. With the the accomplishment of thousands of secure campsites behind him, he embarked upon a goal of far more grandiose proportions to rekindle the joy he once felt. He would create the mother of all campfires. With a small fortune in funds, he set about purchasing as many commodity deeds for lumber as he could get his hands on. Boards would be marinated in a mixture of lantern oil and other ingredients he called his "recipe", then dried before they could be moved to the burn site. A small crowd of 20-30 friends and curiousity seekers stood before the hill of lumber, furniture and other flammables that resembled a small mountain, as Joshua set a match to the pile. A whoosh of flame erupted from its core as Joshua joined the observers at a safe viewing distance. The intensity of the blaze increased and the crowd was forced to retreat further back due to discomfort from the heat. Meanwhile, the crowd grew in almost direct proportion to the height of the flame towering into the air, drawn from the town to witness the spectacle. The combination of heat and light was so great that alchemists were said to have made a killing in selling eyedrops during the following days. At some point, the unexpected occurred. Like moths to a flame, a flock of geese flew towards the blaze in some sort of unexplained instinctive phenomena, or perhaps just drawn to the warmth on a cold autumn evening. But the flock soon reached a point of no return and were abruptly overcome by the conflagraftion with many apparently roasted in midair. The aroma of roasted goose soon hit the air, and a number of the town's hungry unfortunates rushed forward to retrieve the fallen birds, only to be overcome by the heat themselves and forced to retreat. The rest of the crowd just stared transfixed as the flames seemed to grow almost exponentially over the hours. Meanwhile, residents of Luna pointed to the bright dot blazing in the heavens... It was beautiful! PUBLIC INTEREST SHRINE DESECRATION CAUSES CULTIST IRE Cultists of the Final Culling urge action in prosecuting the littering and vandalism of the various abandoned ruins in Britannia. "These sites are our public treasures and should be treated as such", says anonymous spokesman of the underground cult. "These are sacred places where folks can join together in chant and sacrifice to the dark entity of their choice. But some people don't have the common decency to pick up their trash when visiting these sites. It's a sacrilege! Just recently, one of our seers stepped on a broken bottle in her sandals, and the cut was so bad, that she couldn't astral project for two weeks due to the throbbing pain. That's two whole weeks where we were unable to psychically blackmail the powerful ruling class for funds and to do our bidding. If I could have gotten my hands on the person who smashed that bottle, I would have brought him before the Yew court and sued for pain and suffering and lost wages, as well as punitive damages. Just days ago, we were ready to sacrifice a virgin during the alignment for the Blooding of the Moons ritual to open the gateway for the dark lord's return, and again the whole site was trashed with broken bottles. We were afraid to lay the sacrifice on top of the altar for fear that she might get hurt. We had to send the novices back to the temple for brooms and rakes before we could even consider starting the ritual. Things have gotten so out of hand these days, that you can't even enjoy the most basic things in life due to the lack of consideration by these cretins. We can only hope that our dark lord hastens his arrival and helps change things around here. Praise his unspeakable name." TURKEY DAY TIPS If you waited to the last minute to buy a turkey and are tempted to obtain one through a back alley deal, be certain that the person you are dealing with is a certified poultry handler. Certain little things like tattoos can tip you off that the individual you are dealing with is not entirely on the level. Sure, poultry dealers wear gloves, aprons, and have blood all over them, but so do other unsavory types as well. Any legitimate poultry dealer should be well versed in a number of poultry related songs. Ask him to share one of his favorite poultry ditties. If he can't think of one, get out of there quickly. Just remember these tips, and play it safe this Turkey Day. COMIC STRIPS [CRIME AND PUNISHMENT] Picture of 2 thieves locked up in a public pillory with an angry mob hurling rotten vegetables at them Thief #1: This is the largest crowd we'd had yet. Thief #2: I am tired of this abuse. When we get out of this, we should look for real jobs. Thief #1 What-And give up show business? [GRENDEL] Picture of 2 dragons chatting. One is picking his teeth with a jousting lance, with a pile of knight's armor at his feet Dragon #1: It's tough getting the shells off, but once you get them peeled, they're kind of tasty! [LIFE IN THE CEMETARY] Picture of a motherly zombie serving a roasted head on a platter to a table of drooling zombies Zombies: BRAINS!!!!! [[Category:The Yew Times]]

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