Yew Times 20
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Title: Yew Times #20
Author: Yew Town Council
CURRENT NEWS
DAY OF GLUTTONY
EAGERLY ANTICIPATED
This year it appears that
no kitchen tables will go
empty following an
initiative by Britannia's
armsmen and warriors to
provide foodstuffs to fill
the land's larders.
Logicians feel confident
that bringing down three
giant mutants turkeys will
be sufficient to meet the
needs of the people this
thanksgiving season with
plenty left over for
turkey sadwiches,
casseroles and soup
leading up to Christmas.
Already, Britannia's brave
warriors are shlepping
through the bogs fighting
off hoards of plague
beasts and lizardmen to
secure the needed
cranberries to accompany
the Thanksgiving repast.
Belt buckles are already
being loosened in
anticipation of the
upcoming gorge-fest.
Meanwhile, the captain of
the guard is familiarizing
his men with the new
lightning staffs that will
be replacing their usual
halberds. The new devices
will be employed on Black
Friday to control the
unruly shopping mob the
following day, where store
owners will bait
competitive shoppers with
an artificial scarcity of
limited trinkets and
gee-gaws that will be
fought over tooth and
nail. The town guard will
then be called in to
subdue the feral crowd.
The guards' eyes twinkle,
looking upon the new toys
with visions of sugarplums
dancing in their heads.
And by sugarplums, we
mean shoppers; and by
dancing, we mean limbs
flailing from electric
shocks. Everyone looks
forward to a memorable
Thanksgiving holiday.
MASSIVE CONFLAGRATION
AWES LOCALS
When adventurer Joshua
McThornton achieved his
grandmastery certification
in camping, the excitement
of his achievement had
waned and left him
soonafter. With the the
accomplishment of
thousands of secure
campsites behind him, he
embarked upon a goal of
far more grandiose
proportions to rekindle
the joy he once felt. He
would create the mother
of all campfires. With a
small fortune in funds, he
set about purchasing as
many commodity deeds for
lumber as he could get
his hands on. Boards
would be marinated in a
mixture of lantern oil and
other ingredients he called
his "recipe", then dried
before they could be
moved to the burn site.
A small crowd of 20-30
friends and curiousity
seekers stood before the
hill of lumber, furniture
and other flammables that
resembled a small
mountain, as Joshua set
a match to the pile. A
whoosh of flame erupted
from its core as Joshua
joined the observers at a
safe viewing distance. The
intensity of the blaze
increased and the crowd
was forced to retreat
further back due to
discomfort from the heat.
Meanwhile, the crowd
grew in almost direct
proportion to the height
of the flame towering
into the air, drawn from
the town to witness the
spectacle. The combination
of heat and light was so
great that alchemists
were said to have made a
killing in selling eyedrops
during the following days.
At some point, the
unexpected occurred. Like
moths to a flame, a
flock of geese flew
towards the blaze in
some sort of unexplained
instinctive phenomena, or
perhaps just drawn to
the warmth on a cold
autumn evening. But the
flock soon reached a
point of no return and
were abruptly overcome
by the conflagraftion with
many apparently roasted
in midair. The aroma of
roasted goose soon hit
the air, and a number of
the town's hungry
unfortunates rushed
forward to retrieve the
fallen birds, only to be
overcome by the heat
themselves and forced to
retreat. The rest of the
crowd just stared
transfixed as the flames
seemed to grow almost
exponentially over the
hours. Meanwhile,
residents of Luna pointed
to the bright dot blazing
in the heavens... It was
beautiful!
PUBLIC INTEREST
SHRINE DESECRATION
CAUSES CULTIST IRE
Cultists of the Final
Culling urge action in
prosecuting the littering
and vandalism of the
various abandoned ruins in
Britannia. "These sites
are our public treasures
and should be treated as
such", says anonymous
spokesman of the
underground cult. "These
are sacred places where
folks can join together in
chant and sacrifice to
the dark entity of their
choice. But some people
don't have the common
decency to pick up their
trash when visiting these
sites. It's a sacrilege!
Just recently, one of our
seers stepped on a
broken bottle in her
sandals, and the cut was
so bad, that she couldn't
astral project for two
weeks due to the
throbbing pain. That's two
whole weeks where we
were unable to psychically
blackmail the powerful
ruling class for funds and
to do our bidding. If I
could have gotten my
hands on the person who
smashed that bottle, I
would have brought him
before the Yew court
and sued for pain and
suffering and lost wages,
as well as punitive
damages. Just days ago,
we were ready to
sacrifice a virgin during
the alignment for the
Blooding of the Moons
ritual to open the
gateway for the dark
lord's return, and again
the whole site was
trashed with broken
bottles. We were afraid
to lay the sacrifice on
top of the altar for
fear that she might get
hurt. We had to send
the novices back to the
temple for brooms and
rakes before we could
even consider starting the
ritual. Things have gotten
so out of hand these
days, that you can't even
enjoy the most basic
things in life due to the
lack of consideration by
these cretins. We can
only hope that our dark
lord hastens his arrival
and helps change things
around here. Praise his
unspeakable name."
TURKEY DAY TIPS
If you waited to the last
minute to buy a turkey
and are tempted to
obtain one through a back
alley deal, be certain that
the person you are
dealing with is a certified
poultry handler. Certain
little things like tattoos
can tip you off that the
individual you are dealing
with is not entirely on
the level. Sure, poultry
dealers wear gloves,
aprons, and have blood all
over them, but so do
other unsavory types as
well. Any legitimate
poultry dealer should be
well versed in a number
of poultry related songs.
Ask him to share one of
his favorite poultry
ditties. If he can't think
of one, get out of there
quickly. Just remember
these tips, and play it
safe this Turkey Day.
COMIC STRIPS
[CRIME AND
PUNISHMENT]
Picture of 2 thieves locked up in a public pillory with an angry mob hurling rotten vegetables at them
Thief #1: This is the largest crowd we'd had yet.
Thief #2: I am tired of this abuse. When we get out of this, we should look for real jobs.
Thief #1 What-And give up show business?
[GRENDEL]
Picture of 2 dragons chatting. One is picking his teeth with a jousting lance, with a pile of knight's armor at his feet
Dragon #1: It's tough
getting the shells off,
but once you get them
peeled, they're kind of
tasty!
[LIFE IN THE CEMETARY]
Picture of a motherly
zombie serving a roasted
head on a platter to a
table of drooling zombies
Zombies: BRAINS!!!!!