Yew Times 29
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Title: Yew Times #29
Author: Yew Time Council
WORLD NEWS
Golem Experiment Falls
Flat
A year's worth of dedication in perfecting the mechanical shepherd has been rife with numerous failures, says controversial tinker and inventor, Harvey Croblink. "Mind you, the mechanical golem though a modern marvel, is pretty much simple-minded in it's tasks. It lacks the gentler touch," says Harvey. Improvements in the golem's intelligence and problem-solving capabilities seem to have made matters worse, despite the machine's ability to understand more complex commands. An order to herd sheep to another corral, might result in the golem hurling the poor creatures in a catapult fashion 100 furlongs through the air. Bystanders were horrified to witness the metal colossus forcefully plowing a new born spring lamb through the narrow fenceposts when a request was made to retrieve any lost strays that had wandered off. Animal trainers have stated that the sheep are so traumatized at this point, that when they see the metal monster, they tend to try to hide under the nearest sheep and it is not uncommon for cowering sheep to inadvertantly be crushed under a massive sheep-pile in the interests of self-preservation. Last but not least are incidents where the golem will attempt to forcefully feed a malnurished sheep until it bursts. So it's back to the drawing board for our famous tinker. Better luck with your next promising invention.
Cosmetologists Celibrate
End to Animal Testing
Both cosmetologists and
animal activists have
something to cheer about
since the move from
animal to monster testing.
Britannia's hair dressers
and body sculptors have
long considered the
possibilities; gazers with
long silky lashes and
shaded eyelids, Rotten
corpses with perfect
complection and sensuous
lips, and the coveted
project of the two
headed ettin dying for a
makeover. It is just a
dream come true for
those who have long
petitioned for the dual
platforms of greater
compassion towards
animals and a striving for
greater beauty. And it is
likely that neither group
will be disappointed. Even
at this time, the
Sosarian Hairdresser
Faction is looking to hire
able bodied hunters to
collect monsters for
ethically questionable
lipstick and blush
experiments.
Feed The Poor
Give us your poor, your
tired, your huddled masses
yearning to eat soup.
Wretched peoples, we feel
your pain. So, drop in
this Tuesday, April 3rd
at the Empath Abbey at
9 pm for the
Reach-Out-With-Soup
Event and tell us what's
been eating you while you
are eating a tasty bowl
of beef lentil or split
pea and ham.The
celebrated and
multi-talented Doctor
Bombay will be available
for counseling as well as
eyes, ears, nose, throat,
and prostate examinations.
We have enough soup to
feed an army, so bring a
friend. All those in need
are welcome, except fat
people and people who
complain about soup.
ADVERTISMENTS
Play in the Yew Crypts
and You Will Die
If you are looking to play hide and seek in the old marble sarcophagi in Yew crypts, think again! Million of adventurers every year think its a good idea to play hide and seek in the old marble sarcophagi in the crypts. Imagine! You and your friends have had a few drinks and are looking for a good time, just playing around in the crypts. Suddenly, someone says, "Hey, let's play hide and seek" and it seems like a good idea at the time. Pretty soon, you find yourself crawling into a sarcophagus thinking, "They'll never find me in here." Moments later, an alarm goes off in the wraith room, and the wraiths are moving in to suck out your life force. Meanwhile, you are struggling to get out, but the lid snaps closed and is far too heavy to lift. You frantically search for a unlatching mechanism but there are none; the handles are on the outside. What will you do? What will you do! Any wise adventurer with a little bit of crypt-smarts knows that sarcophagi might be a fun word to say, but they are not so fun to play in. There are a lot of better ways of having a good time. You can banks sit with your friends, escort local town citizens, or have a contest to see who can pick up the most reagents from the ground. So, be inventive and stay away from the crypts...or you will die.
This has been a public service message from Sarcoffaco. We keep your loved ones fresh..
Make It Happen With the
Captain
Do you feel angry,
disenfranchancised, or
just want to stick it to
'the man'? Then reach
for the longer burning
fish oil prized by
anarchists everywhere.
Captain DeCamps Fish Oil
is ideal for any serious
activist who wants to lob
incendiaries at the pigs
or just anyone that
happens to annoy them,
because DeCamps has a
much lower flash point.
This means there is
lesser risk of accidental
self-inflicted injury
before you can lob your
favorite flaming mixture
at its intended target.
So whether you are out
there on the streets to
make a statement or
you're just angry at just
about everything, make
sure you remember to
take the Captain with
you. Be sure to look at
the back label of our
bottles for helpful
easy-to-make incendiary
mixtures that the whole
family can get together
to create.
CLASSIFIEDS
Activists Looks for Like
Minded Individuals
The L.A.M.P. Foundation is looking for like minded-individuals willing to dedicate their lives to a greater cause. We are working together to make a difference in the community through, Littering, Arson, Mayhem and Protesting. If you think you may have the skills to be an asset to LAMP, ask yourself this:
Litterers:
Are you a free-form or structered litterer? How much time during the day do you dedicate to sending your special/sacred message?
Do you believe in quantity
or quality?
Arsonists:
Do you believe in a spiritual communion with the fire elementals when you do your holy work?
Do you enjoy touching the flames or do they still bother you?
Do you have any problems with rope-burn?
Mayhemers:
How is that working out for you?
Are you a power-maniac or artistic visionary?
How is your relationship with your mom? Protesters:
Do you have a lot of of free time on your hands?
If you said YES to all of these questions, then you may be the one who we've been looking for.
Please rant openly at any tavern or inn following a long night of drinking and we'll contact you personally to see if you have what to takes to be one of us.
ARTS AND LIVING
Dear Tabi
I am a widower with the sweetest child a father can ask for. Recently, she got herself into the family way, and I was upset,as you can imagine. But, when her baby was born with 2 heads, I knew that it must have been sorcery and she had been innocent all along. She used to tell me that she didn't even like the boys in town because they weren't grown up enough for her. I should have known better, because the only time I've ever had to scold her is when a neighbor spotted her by that dangerous dungeon, Despise. She said that she likes picking flowers over there. Now, the entire town is insinuating some horrible things, but I refuse to listen. Tabi, what do I do to convince these people that there is a witch or sorcerer in our midst working evil against us?
Dear Concerned Dad,
I understand that being
the lone parent of a
daughter must be
difficult... Daddies never
want to believe their lil
girl's kissing anyone,
nevermind a two headed
creature. We feed them
all sorts of crazy ideals
in Children's Fairy Tales,
volume 3.. A Princess
kissing a frog and a
Beauty kissing a beast
are classic examples of
this. It is possible that a
witch or sorcerer is
wielding a spell, or
perhaps starting a race
of subhumans to help
conquer the world;
slaughtering all who
oppose them and bathing
the world in a sea of
blood. My gut tells me
this is not the case. It
is more plausible that she
developed a fascination
with one of these stories
and acted upon them
when flower-picking one
day. There is a hint of
naivety in your thinking, I
fear; your claim of her
innocence mirrors that of
the Madonna. My advice
to you is; rather than
convincing others of some
evil plot, it would be
better to accept this
new and horrific family
member into your home
and make your daughter
aware of the reality of
the situation. Perhaps you
can connect with a lady
friend with whom she
feels comfortable to talk
to create a dialogue. Then
perhaps your daughter,
the baby thing, and
yourself can mature into
a healthy family entity.
However, if I am wrong,
please alert me
immediately so I may
escape to safety before
the purge of humanity
begins.
Publish 2
Edition 29, 3-28-2012