Orcs Steal Christmas
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Orcs Steal Christmas
Grishnak threw off his ratty fur covering and sat up. The ferocious pounding in his head reminded him of the ale soaked night before. In a foul mood, he rummaged about in the dirt for his helmet. Plopping it on his head, he stepped out into the sunlight, bloodshot eyes tightening in pain.
Seeing an Orc hunched over near the pig pen, he wandered over curiously. Here he found Zha’Kira snuffling and wiping her nose.
‘Wut wrong lil wun,’ Grishnak asked.
Startled, Zha’Kira spun around, then seeing who spoke to her, cast her eyes downward and dug a toe in the dirt.
‘Nuttin.’
‘Bah!’ Grishnak smacked her lightly across the head. ‘Ju blah wut wrong!’
Snuffling once more, Zha’Kira mumbled something. Smacking her again, Grishnak demanded she speak up.
‘Meh nub gunna get nub pwesents,’ Zha’Kira finally whined.
Taken aback, Grishnak turned to the Orc next to him to ask if he had heard right, only to find there was no other Orc, he was just seeing double again from the cheap ale.
‘Bah! Wut da fark ju blahing?’ he demanded. ‘Wut pwesents?’
‘Well, dem humies and pointiess gunna get dese pwesents frum da fat pointie wid da red clothes, but him nub bwing anyting for Orcs.’
Thinking this was very unjust, Grishnak summoned his advisors. Sitting about the table, Grishnak, Qog, Zhan’ee, and Fugluk waited impatiently for Snarfu. Finally, Snarfu burst into the room, scrolls dropping from his arms.
‘Meh find it’ Snaru shouted happily. ‘Der dis fat elbzie dat flies abut wunce a year und gibs pwesents and yum yums to da humie runts and elbzie runts.’
‘Ey! Why nub any pwesents fur Orcs’ demanded Qog.
‘Well, him unly gib pwesents to da “gudda runts” ‘ Snarfu said.
Dodging the bottle thrown at him Snarfu hastily added, ‘Ey! It be da humie ideerz of wut iz guddah, nub wut is really gudda! Dey tink dat clumping and theebing and taking iz being nub gudda and dem runts dat do dat nub get pwesents!’
The grumbling and cursing subsided for a bit as each Orc about the table thought that over. Finally Qog asked what Orcs could do to get some presents.
‘Well, nub clump any more’ Snarfu replied, this time not quit dodging the bottle thrown at him and getting sprayed with stale ale as the bottle shattered on his forehead. Picking himself up and righting his chair again, he offered another suggestion. ‘Den agun, mebby we could just take dem?’
‘Ey, now meh likes dat ideer,’ Zhan’ee chimed in. ‘Ware dis humie be?’
Searching for the right scroll, Snarfu finally holds up a map of the world and points to the jungle-covered islands of Jhelom.
‘Rite here! Dis be da snow island.’ He exclaimed proudly. ‘Him hab mojo castle der wid elbzies dat makee him pwesents fur ebrywun.’ With wide grins, a plan was laid.
Santa sat at his desk, fingers stained with ink as he furiously wrote in his list and muttering to himself, much to the consternation of the overworked elves trying to keep up with their paperwork. ‘Alena, good girl; Vanessa, good girl; Jenny, bad girl; Sabrina, good girl…’ he was muttering when Dominic, Second Tinker, Toy Division, came running up.
‘Santa! You better come take a look at this.’
Looking up with an exasperated look on his face, Santa gestured at the reams of paper covering his desk.
‘No time! No time! Christmas is coming and I’ve so much work to do. Whatever it is, just deal with it.’
With that Santa returned to his writing and muttering. ‘Johnny, good boy; Wolfgang, good boy; Aldroud, bad boy…’
Sighing, Dominic went back up the stairs and out onto the south wall. There stood Richard, Third Cookie Cutter, Baking Division, watching something over the walls.
‘What did he say,’ Richard said without turning.
Gulping Dominic replied, ‘He said to deal with it.’
Finally turning, Richard raised an eyebrow, then turned back to face the sea to watch the approaching ships, laidened with Orcs geared for war. Hefting the rolling pin in his hand he commented, ‘I don’t think this will quite do the trick, old chum.’
The Broken Fang and the Bloody Claw beached in front of the castle and sea sick Orcs clawed over each other to fall down onto the snow. Then picking themselves up, they let loose a mighty warcry and hurled themselves at the castle doors.
‘Hooorahhh!’ they cried as they burst through the doors.
‘See here, what is the meaning of this,’ demanded the bespectacled elf in charge of the Records Division. Grund’Pug replied by burying his axe into the elf’s head. Startled and shocked elves ran about, lists of good and bad girls and boys getting mixed up.
Quick thinking Silver, Santa’s major-domo summoned a gate.
‘Santa! In here,’ shoving Santa into the gate, Silver looked back in time to see the last of the Record Keeping Division fall before the Orc blades. Blinking back tears, Silver hurled himself into the shimmering blue gate.
Orcs rampaged throughout Santa’s Castle. Grund’Pug, Xer’Gug, and Duglug swept up the Toy Making Division. A surprised Baking Division hurled jars of honey, slowing down Glakbar and Grunk, but in the end it mattered not. Richard’s hand still clutched the rolling pin tightly. The rest of Richard’s body was scattered about the courtyard, remnants of Snarfu’s magical spells.
Zha’Kira and Zha’Shiek came running back into the main hall, bags bulging with goodies.
‘Yay! We hab da pwesents now!’ they cried. A grinning Grishnak turned to Qog and told him to complete the final part of the Orc plan.
Qog hurried over to the stables and started open the doors, releasing the reindeer. Har Haring to himself, he spurned them along with a whip. As the Orcs set fires to the castle, Qog and Sugrod herded the reindeer aboard the Orc ships of war.
‘Der, now dat fat elbzie nub can gib pwesents tu anywun else,’ Qog told Sugrod when all the reindeer were aboard.
Laughing the Orcs sailed away, the remnants of Santa’s Castle burning behind them.