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Rogosh · Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:16 am Post subject: February 10th, 2009

I lost my brother Malachi, February 10th, 2009. I still remember everything that happened that day and the day before it happened like it was yesterday.

I remember being in the bedroom when his fiancée rang the doorbell. It wasn't the first time she'd rang the bell. I thought it was him to tell the truth, I had looked at the clock and it was about time that he got off work, so I sprang up and bolted to the door.

When I looked out I seen Jennifer his fiancée, and then two more unfamiliar faces. I thought to myself. That's odd, I've never seen these people before. I didn't care though, I opened the door and let them in. When they came in I asked, "Where's Malachi!?" I was excited, heh Malachi was my little brother, and we always had a great time together.

"Malachi's been in an accident." Jennifer said, with sadness in her voice. "What!? Is he alright, where is he?" I asked frantically. Jennifer teared up and said, "He's dead honey." At that moment I broke down and cried, "GOD NO!!! WHY!? WHY!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD!? IT SHOULD OF BEEN ME, IT SHOULD OF BEEN ME, NOT HIM GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME INSTEAD, PLEASE LET HIM LIVE AND TAKE ME!!! Please... Please... Please... Please... Please take me and let him live God, please, please please."

We were 300 miles from my mom and youngest brother Jonathan when it happened. Malachi's phone kept ringing, people had some how heard before I had and kept calling, I turned off his phone because I wanted to tell my mom in person what had happened.

We went to Tuttle, Oklahoma to get my brother's truck that was still at his job site. We had to goto the Police station in Tuttle though first, and give them some information. When we did, Jennifer had told me mom had left her a voicemail on her phone. I listened to it, and there was desperation in her voice, "Please call me!? I heard there was a tornado and that I lost both Malachi and Elijah in it! Please call me and let me know what's going on, please!?"

Distraught, I didn't know what to do, so I finally decided to call my mom. I called her from the Police station in Tuttle. "Is mom there? I need to speak to my mom, please?" I said with immense grief resting upon my heart. "Hello!? Hello son, is that you!?" She asked frantically. "Mom, are you standing up?" I asked her. "Yes son, why?" She retorted. "Mom you need to sit down, please mom will you sit down?" I beckoned with her over the phone. "Why? Why do I need to sit down?" She returned. "Mom you need to sit down, just sit down please?" I went on. "Alright son, alright. I'm sitting down, now what's going on, what happened?!?" She exclaimed. "Mom, it's Malachi, he was in an accident at work and he's with Jesus now." I explained between the sobs. She roared on the other end, "GOD NO! PLEASE NO!" She continued on incoherently.

There are no feelings that can describe what it's like to hear a mother break down like that. Cops say that after a car wreck or accident that it's the hardest thing they ever have to do. Well I don't think most cops have been in my shoes, they've never had to break it to their mother that their little brother isn't going to be coming back. It is something that will tear you apart inside. It's nothing I would ever wish upon anyone.

After that it started to rain, not just any rain. It was so thick that I could hardly see in front of me. We got in Malachi's truck and drove 287 miles to my mom's house. When we'd finally got there, there was a mass of people already at her house and when I parked the truck got swarmed. Friends and loved ones. One of them was muscular and built somewhat like my brother from behind, and I started to cry again. I thought it was Malachi.

When I finally got into the house the first person I seen was my youngest brother Jonathan. I hugged him so tight. I just squeezed and cried. And then my mom was in the living room and I did the same with her. We both just sobbed for the longest time. That day felt like a lifetime. It feels like it was another lifetime ago that it had happened.

This year has been an emotional roller coaster, for the first few months I would just cry, every day. Some I would be angry and scream, just cry out at the top of my lungs furiously. Now I don't cry like I did, but somedays it just hit's me and I still cry. I'm still in disbelief too. Six months before my brother passed he was in Iraq, serving for our country. He served over there and came back with out a scave on his body one.

Sometimes it just feels like he's still over there and he's going to come home. Or when I think about it it hits me. My brother's not coming back home, he's already been here. He's gone. And then I get sad again.

I'm still not ready guys. I'm still grieving in my own way and I'm not ready to devote time to coming back to UO. It's nothing against any of you, I love you all and you've all been supportive. It's just hard. I'm sorry. I'll still pop in now and then though. I'm just not ready yet though. I'm sorry.
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~ Rognosh :-p

Cear Dallben ZOG · Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:37 pm Post subject:

Rogosh your going to be on this earth for a long time.
Take as much of it as you need to make peace.
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Edda · Certifiable Joined: 20 Jan 2009 Posts: 1586 Location: US

I'm sure it will take a while to recover, and might never fully. I am sorry this happened to him, you and your family.

Jonathan Strathmore · Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:01 pm Post subject:

We love you bro, and we're here for you when you need us, and we'll wait for you when you don't. Take your time, my friend. Not all wounds heal in time, though given enough, they'll only be scars.

Take good care of yourself, and we will see you soon.

Willow Smythe · Certifiable Joined: 25 Feb 2007 Posts: 1713

I will say now, what I said then Eli, I am here. You have my number if you want to talk. It's NEVER easy losing people, especially ones you were close to. It's hard trying to move on. I know first hand that when you lose someone so close to you that your life ends as well with them. Only you are still here and you create a new life with the mere memory of them. And no, it's not enough, it never will be. But eventually life and all it encompasses becomes worthwhile again. I agree with Scott, you will be here for a long time Eli, we just want you to know that we will be here when you are ready. I hope you see where I am trying to explain. Your post very moved me very much.

Until you are ready and the happiness outweighs the sorrows we'll be here,
Your Friend,
Christina
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