Yew Times 21
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Title: Yew Times #21
Author: Yew Town Council
CURRENT NEWS
POOR GIANT TURKEY
ADRIFT
Animal activists and other
concerned individuals are
petitioning the local ruling
council to do something
about the unfortunate
gargantuan turkey that
found itself hopelessly
trapped on a small
rowboat drifting out to
sea. Numerous sailors
were alarmed at the
spectacle and reported
their observations upon
returning to port. Many
feel that the incident is
tied into the earlier talks
referred to as the Giant
Turkey Solution, where
the ruling council was
soliciting ideas from locals
to minimize the turkey
threat. It seems that
someone tried to actualize
a plan where a small
rowboat was baited with
some foodstuff that
attracted a hungry
turkey, with the small
craft being pushed out to
sea afterwards. Upon
reflection, people have
come to sympathize with
the poor creature who
seems panic stricken, yet
too wary to make any
abrupt movement that
may capsize the tiny boat
while it coos plaintively
at its situation. Many
suspect that even turkeys
realize that they are not
very good swimmers, and
have come to the
understanding that such
fate is particularly cruel
for a beast that doesn't
hold any malevolent intent
towards humans. Already
volunteers have gathered
to locate the desperate
bird and tow it safely
back to dry land.
PIE INCIDENT LEAVES
MAN IN COMA
This past Friday, a man
was rushed to the healer
following the consumption
of an eel pie that had
been sitting on a table
at the Serpent Cross
Tavern. The pie in
question was a gift to
the tavern proprietor
from a personal friend.
The pie, which had
sentimental value had been
proudly and prominently
displayed for three weeks
on a small table where
patrons could view it
when they entered. One
the night in question,
patrons were warned not
to eat the pie, but one
individual did not heed the
warning and cut himself a
sizable piece which he
heartily consumed.
Shortly afterwards, the
individual was overcome
with stomach pains and
was gated to the healer
where he underwent
treatment before slipping
into a severe food
poisoning related coma.
Hendall, the tavern
owner had this to say,
“Everyone was asked not
to eat the pie, but
maybe I was in the back
room when this guy
walked in. As a matter
of fact, I can’t even
remember him. I am still
very distraught over the
incident. I mean, that
pie was close to my
heart. The flaky crust
was perfect. When he
cut that chunk out of it,
it was completely ruined
and I was forced to
throw it away. Recently,
I have received many kind
words and inquiries into
the pie’s status, but
with deep regret, I had
to inform them that the
pie was not going to pull
through. I’ve also
received many generous
offers from others to
start a fund to replace
the pie, but I told them
it would not be the same;
that pie was
irreplaceable.”
HOROSCOPES
The Peddler-January
There is no point in
fretting over the little
or big things. Don't cry
over spilt milk or over
the throwing out the
baby with the bathwater.
The Mongbat-February
You will find yourself on
the pursuit of a very
powerful artifact and
your journey will take
you to an old crone of
very few words who will
bargain for information in
exchange for a wrinkle
cream made from the
extract of a unique
orchid that grows in the
shade in the bogs in the
Fens of the Dead.
Hopefully, this useful tip
will save you a lot of
time.
The Phoenix-March
Have you embraced the
howling chaos within
yourself? Can you not
see that the path that
you are walking is one of
which you have walked
many times before? Did
you realize that you
consume fewer calories if
you just dip each piece
of your salad into a
small cup of dressing as
opposed to dumping the
dressing onto the entire
salad? It's true.
The Sea Dragon-April
It is said that you can't
always get what you
want. But, if you try
sometimes, you just might
find you get what you
need. Just be certain to
particularly avoid
deceptive, alcoholic, women
with blood stained hands
who attend receptions.
The Hermit-May
A wonderful economic
opportunity awaits you
just beyond the Felucca
Yew moongate. Just be
certain to bring something
or several things of
great value with you to
demonstrate your inherent
worth.
The Llama-June
You should be more
discerning in showing
kindness to particular
individuals. If you give a
tasty apple to a hag,
she'll probably put poison
in it, and pass it onto
someone else.
The Ancient Wyrm-July
Fame has become very
illusive to you; always
seeking to kill yet
something more powerful
just to keep on top, and
fearful to even get sick
for a short time lest
people forget about your
greatness, or that
greatness should wane.
Fame will let you loose,
hard to swallow and put
you where things are
hollow. Eventually it will
bind your time, and drive
you to crime.
The Anvil-August
Lord British awaits you
in the underworld.
Remember to bring with
you the sandalwood box,
obtained by opening the
secret panel revealed by
playing the first 18 notes
of Stones on the
harpsichord.
The Weaver-September
The "kind" mentor that
has taken you in since
your parent's unfortunate
deaths and is training you
to unlock your latent
power so that you may
open a secret chamber so
that he may obtain a
powerful artifact that
will make him immortal
and unlimited in power is
using you. Hopefully, this
warning will save you
about 20 years of
rigorous training ending in
a burnt shell of a world.
If not, oh well...
The Wisp-October
You are a carefree
spirit, and live on the
wind. You have great
hair and you smell like
fresh baked cookies.
The Unicorn-November
Sometimes helping people
has unforeseen
consequences and you have
to show judgment when
ministering assistance to
others. You can teach a
hungry, blind man to fish,
but if you push him out
to sea in a boat, he'll
probably never come back.
The Wanderer-December
You cannot eat your cake
and keep it at the same
time, unless you're the
time lord, in which case
you can go back in time
before you ate the cake
then take it for safe
keeping. But, wouldn't
that prevent your past
self from being able to
eat the cake in this
first place? Maybe,
going back in time and
carrying out such an act
would disrupt the time
stream resulting in an
alternate time line where
you just enjoyed a
delicious cake and the
world is now inhabited by
12 foot tall bat people.
Kind of makes you think,
doesn't it?