Yew Times 15
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
Title: Yew Times #15
Author: Yew Town Council
TRICK 'R TREAT BAGS CHECKED FOR SAFETY
Mages in Moonglow are offering their services at the Lyceaum by checking treat bags with ID wands or make sure there is nothing harmful present. This service is offered free of charge, so that trick 'r treaters can enjoy a safe holiday season.
CAMPERS TERRORIZED
BY APPARITION
Three campers reported
that their campsite at
Lock Lake was attacked
by a ghostly pirate with
a hook, forcing them to
flee for their lives. This
marks the sixth such
event reported in the
area in the past 3
weeks. Authorities have
dismissed the incidents as
hokum, malarkey, and
complete poppycock.
ENTERPRISING DENTISTS
MARKET CANDY
TOOTHBRUSH
Trick R Treaters are
going wild for the newest
and hottest Holloween
item, the SweetBrush.
The colorful and sinfully
sweet, oversized
toothbrush is advertised
as an incentive to get
kids to brush their teeth
after meals and snacks.
The tasty confection not
only comes in a variety
of flavors, but also lasts
over a whole month, so
Halloweeners will be
getting their money's
worth. Denta-Treats is
also debuting their
product, Sucro-floss; the
candied floss that gets
between teeth where
Sweetbrush can't reach.
HOLLOWEEN COSTUME
IDEAS
This week's Holloween
costume idea comes from
Cecil of Jhelom. You can
dress up as famous
impressionist artist,
Vincent Van Gogh this
Halloween. You will need:
a fake beard, orange hair
dye, a straw hat, an
easel (to tote around).
Entertain partygoers by
offering to paint their
portrait, or bring along
some gift boxes with
severed ears in them to
give to potential love
interests.
HORRORSCOPES
The Peddler-January:
Be cautious when dealing
with reverse vampires
this week. Reverse
vampires are invisible but
can only be seen in
mirrors. However, they
like to look at themselves
in mirrors, crave garlic,
wear crosses and have
exaggerated tans. So,
they are almost like
guidos, but invisible.
The Mongbat-February:
If you sit in the
darkness in front of a
mirror and say "Bloody
Mary" three times, a
spectral bartender will
serve you a vodka and
tomato juice drink
complete with a celery
garnish. This offer is
good only for the month
of October.
The Phoenix-March: You will be enjoying an outing with that special someone camping and enjoying some fishing. The sun will begin to set and the fog will roll in as you continue to fish. You'll open the Yew Times and read an article to your partner about the ghost of some pirate with a hook for a hand who has been recently terrorizing outdoorsmen at the very lake at which you are currently fishing. Your date will plaintively suggest that you quickly return back to shore and go home. You agree. But it is not until you get the boat onto shore that you see hanging from the very edge of the boat.....A HOOK!
The Sea Dragon-April: Take special precautions when partying this month by becoming a member of Kindeys on Kall. So, when you are drugged by a stranger and wake up in a tub of ice with your kidneys missing, you can breathe easier knowing that a new set of kidneys are right on the way in under 15 minutes.
The Hermit-May: Should you be stalked by talking crows that cry out "Nevermore" in your home, just remember that those babies are worth 50k turn in points a piece when you dump them in the trash barrel.
The Llama-June:
No one likes going to
funerals. But, just
remember, if you don't go
to their funerals, them
won't come to yours.
The Ancient Wyrm-July:
You will finally meet your
evil twin this week, who
will look exactly like you
except for a goatee.
However, if you are evil,
you will meet your good
twin, who will have no
goatee whatsoever. In
which case, you should
consider growing a goatee
or wear a fake one in
preparation for your first
encounter.
The Anvil-August:
The old man told you not
to go out to Wooly
Swamp but you just
didn't listen. The
provisioner in that small
store told you that if
you go out there, you
had better make sure
that your lantern was
full, but you just didn't
listen. When that creepy
old lady with the fingers
that bend backwards told
you not to go into the
basement of that
delapidated house in the
swamp alone, you didn't
listen. Now you are locked
in a pitch black basement
with a burned out lantern
and you can hear things
moving around in the
dark. So, what are you
going to do now,
smartass?
The Weaver-September: Beef bullion cubes are great for dropping into the bags of Trick or Treaters. Not only do they look like individually wrapped foil treats, but they look convincingly like chocolate up until the moment they pop them into their mouths. Mmmmmm, salty goodness!
The Wisp-October:
Things will be looking up,
as you'll soon have the
opportunity to get your
hands on some nice little
asset that no one else
knows about. It could be
an map to an old silver
mine, or some hidden
treasure in an abandoned
house. To be on the safe
side, it might be a good
idea if you come up with
a plan to keep the
competition scared off;
perhaps with a pirate
costume, rubber mask,
luminescent paint, and
clever props. Just watch
out for meddling kids and
their stupid dog.
The Unicorn-November: Fishermen, sailors, or just any guy with a boat is a good friend to have when you need to get rid of a body. That's something nice to have to fall back on when you're really in a pinch, so why not befriend a boat owner today.
The Wanderer-December:
You will be drinking in a
tavern soon and you will
see death staring at you
across the room, and you
will hastily depart and
ride a great distance to
escape him. Finally,
thirsty and exhausted you
will stumble into some
distant backwater tavern
for water, and there
death will be standing.
Death will look at you
and be like, WTF dude,
why are you stalking me?!
Publish 2 Edition 15, 10-10-2011