Yew Times 15

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Latest revision as of 19:47, 3 May 2020

Title: Yew Times #15

Author: Yew Town Council

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TRICK 'R TREAT BAGS CHECKED FOR SAFETY

Mages in Moonglow are offering their services at the Lyceaum by checking treat bags with ID wands or make sure there is nothing harmful present. This service is offered free of charge, so that trick 'r treaters can enjoy a safe holiday season.

CAMPERS TERRORIZED BY APPARITION

Three campers reported that their campsite at Lock Lake was attacked by a ghostly pirate with a hook, forcing them to flee for their lives. This marks the sixth such event reported in the area in the past 3 weeks. Authorities have dismissed the incidents as hokum, malarkey, and complete poppycock. ENTERPRISING DENTISTS MARKET CANDY TOOTHBRUSH

Trick R Treaters are going wild for the newest and hottest Holloween item, the SweetBrush. The colorful and sinfully sweet, oversized toothbrush is advertised as an incentive to get kids to brush their teeth after meals and snacks. The tasty confection not only comes in a variety of flavors, but also lasts over a whole month, so Halloweeners will be getting their money's worth. Denta-Treats is also debuting their product, Sucro-floss; the candied floss that gets between teeth where Sweetbrush can't reach.

HOLLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS

This week's Holloween costume idea comes from Cecil of Jhelom. You can dress up as famous impressionist artist, Vincent Van Gogh this Halloween. You will need: a fake beard, orange hair dye, a straw hat, an easel (to tote around). Entertain partygoers by offering to paint their portrait, or bring along some gift boxes with severed ears in them to give to potential love interests.

HORRORSCOPES

The Peddler-January: Be cautious when dealing with reverse vampires this week. Reverse vampires are invisible but can only be seen in mirrors. However, they like to look at themselves in mirrors, crave garlic, wear crosses and have exaggerated tans. So, they are almost like guidos, but invisible. The Mongbat-February: If you sit in the darkness in front of a mirror and say "Bloody Mary" three times, a spectral bartender will serve you a vodka and tomato juice drink complete with a celery garnish. This offer is good only for the month of October.

The Phoenix-March: You will be enjoying an outing with that special someone camping and enjoying some fishing. The sun will begin to set and the fog will roll in as you continue to fish. You'll open the Yew Times and read an article to your partner about the ghost of some pirate with a hook for a hand who has been recently terrorizing outdoorsmen at the very lake at which you are currently fishing. Your date will plaintively suggest that you quickly return back to shore and go home. You agree. But it is not until you get the boat onto shore that you see hanging from the very edge of the boat.....A HOOK!

The Sea Dragon-April: Take special precautions when partying this month by becoming a member of Kindeys on Kall. So, when you are drugged by a stranger and wake up in a tub of ice with your kidneys missing, you can breathe easier knowing that a new set of kidneys are right on the way in under 15 minutes.

The Hermit-May: Should you be stalked by talking crows that cry out "Nevermore" in your home, just remember that those babies are worth 50k turn in points a piece when you dump them in the trash barrel.

The Llama-June: No one likes going to funerals. But, just remember, if you don't go to their funerals, them won't come to yours.

The Ancient Wyrm-July: You will finally meet your evil twin this week, who will look exactly like you except for a goatee. However, if you are evil, you will meet your good twin, who will have no goatee whatsoever. In which case, you should consider growing a goatee or wear a fake one in preparation for your first encounter.

The Anvil-August: The old man told you not to go out to Wooly Swamp but you just didn't listen. The provisioner in that small store told you that if you go out there, you had better make sure that your lantern was full, but you just didn't listen. When that creepy old lady with the fingers that bend backwards told you not to go into the basement of that delapidated house in the swamp alone, you didn't listen. Now you are locked in a pitch black basement with a burned out lantern and you can hear things moving around in the dark. So, what are you going to do now, smartass?

The Weaver-September: Beef bullion cubes are great for dropping into the bags of Trick or Treaters. Not only do they look like individually wrapped foil treats, but they look convincingly like chocolate up until the moment they pop them into their mouths. Mmmmmm, salty goodness!

The Wisp-October: Things will be looking up, as you'll soon have the opportunity to get your hands on some nice little asset that no one else knows about. It could be an map to an old silver mine, or some hidden treasure in an abandoned house. To be on the safe side, it might be a good idea if you come up with a plan to keep the competition scared off; perhaps with a pirate costume, rubber mask, luminescent paint, and clever props. Just watch out for meddling kids and their stupid dog.

The Unicorn-November: Fishermen, sailors, or just any guy with a boat is a good friend to have when you need to get rid of a body. That's something nice to have to fall back on when you're really in a pinch, so why not befriend a boat owner today.

The Wanderer-December: You will be drinking in a tavern soon and you will see death staring at you across the room, and you will hastily depart and ride a great distance to escape him. Finally, thirsty and exhausted you will stumble into some distant backwater tavern for water, and there death will be standing. Death will look at you and be like, WTF dude, why are you stalking me?!

Publish 2 Edition 15, 10-10-2011