Yew Times 13
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Latest revision as of 19:40, 3 May 2020
Title: Yew Times #13
Author: Yew Town Council
CANDLE CAPER CRACKED
Citizens breath a sigh of relief following the capture of the thieving ring responsible for the recent string of burgularies. The Crown Bureau of Criminal Investigations extends their thanks to private investigator Maurice Reynaud for his invaluable assistance in helping bring the perpetrators to justice. Reynaud, in interviewing the witnesses had immediately noticed a common factor, in that all were unmarried individuals without family; concluding that they were selected for this particular reason. Also, there was a noticable and distinctive fragrance present in every one of the victims homes, which was later established due to a scented gimmick candle purchased by each of the victims. An analysis of the pooled wax revealed the presence of a powerful narcotic substance capable of rendering a deep torpid state. Investigator Raynaud suggested the likelihood that only the lower portion of the candle contained the sleep inducing substance, released once it burned down sufficiently. Officials at the CBCI are requesting that we inform our readers that should they have purchased or know anyone who has purchased a "Lovers Candle" they are not to light it, but instead to bring it to the Crown Bureau where it will be submitted as evidence in an upcoming criminal case.
GUARDS CRACKING
DOWN ON ILLEGAL
BEGGING
The Britannian guard will
be monitoring begging
activity more thoroughly
in the next upcoming
months. Current beggars
will be required to show
a legitimate begging
license when requested
with proof that they are
zoned to beg in that
town or region. Recipients
of donations whether they
be monetary, supplies, or
foodstuffs must have the
appropriate box
checkmarked on their
license to show that they
are qualified to receive
such goods in accordance
with the new tax code.
All monetary items must
be itemized and submitted
quarterly to tax the tax
collections office along
with reciepts signed by
donors. New beggars
entering the field are
now required to take an
aptitude test at an
accredited begging school
as part of the new
initiative to conform to
the new safety guidelines
and protocols. New
admittants are required
to submit to an initial
physical and random drug
testing per regulations.
The council has
established these changes
as part of an initiative
to address the growing
problems in the land due
to an absence of
leadership and a lack of
social order.
RATMEN RECEIVE
HELPING HAND
In an unprecidented
gesture, the underworld
dwelling rat clans have
indicated a desire to join
the Syndicate following
the the flood of
recruitment books falling
into the cavern of the
discarded. Raktaavi as
spokesmen of the ratmen
clans has stated via
interpreter that 'How Can
We Help" books have been
a godsend in light of the
coming ratmen apocalypse
called the "great
inundation." The event
recorded in ratmen
prophecy speaks of an
event that will bring
about a raining down of
human goods and holiday
items from the
above-world which will
inadvertently crush and
bury the ratmen race.
Therefore the ratmen are
grateful for the extension
of help in their time of
need and gratefully accept
the opportunity to join
the Syndicate as per the
written invitation issued
in their recruitment guide.
The ratmen especially feel
that they have much to
offer, as their alarming
birthrate and heirarchal
structure will ensure that
the recruiting organization
will be continually infested
with new members to
keep it going for
hundreds of generations.
These days the ratclans
live a life of hope for a
new future; one with a
renewed sense of purpose,
daily scheduled events,
crafting day, and an
annual 5 day conference.
ADVERTISEMENTS
My name is Big Jake, and
when they said that no
one could train them
giant mutant turkeys,
they was wrong. Because
I did just that, and now
I am making an offer to
you. You might ask, "what
are giany mutant turkeys
good for?" Well, in two
words... home security.
With a well trained giant
mutant guard turkey on
your property, you can
enjoy a restful sleep
knowing you are well
protected at all times. If
an intruder even
approaches your property
line, your turkey will
respond with a challenge
behemoth roar that will
send even the toughest
cutthroat running for the
hills. Once imprinted, they
will consider your family
one of their own flock;
no more having to
personally watch your
toddler while he plays
outside. They're great for
heavy jobs such as
plowing fields and pulling
up tree stumps. You can
even train them to fetch
the newspaper. You might
say, "Well, a bird that
size must cost a fortune
to feed!" Well, you'd be
wrong, cuz giant mutant
turkeys will eat just
about anything, so you
can take him to a champ
spawn and set him loose
until his belly's full. So,
come pay us a visit at
Jakes Mutant Turkey
Farm and we'll hook you
up with the best home
security money can buy.
If there's a seafoodfood
lover in you, then you
should try the seafood
restaurant that received
the golden conch award
two years running. At
Buster's Crabs, we have
a great atmosphere and a
friendly staff who are
here to make you feel
welcome. Why not invite
your parents out for our
weekend specials. We have
a Beachcomber(TM)
platter that mom will
love and a Hooker (TM)
that will put a smile on
dad's face. Or, why not
just invite out a whole
gang of friends? We hope
you bring enough of them
and your appetites,
because we offer the one
ton steamed Scalis Party
Claw**, lowered onto
your table by block and
tackle. But, please
remember to place a
reservation a week in
advance so we can begin
cooking it.
Giant tub of melted
butter 15,000 gold extra.
TAVERN NIGHT
September's Tavern
Nights will be at held
the listed locations
and dates.
9/12/11-Horn of the Unicorn 111o 27'N, 36o 46'E Trammel
9/19/11-Lotus Dojo and Tea House-35o 26'N. 48o 9'W Zento
9/26/11-Mazewood Tavern Co Ordinates: 60o 38'S, 25o 56'W Felucca
Publish 2
Edition 13, 9-11-2011
For many years now, we
all have meet, befriended,
and said goodbye to alot
of people, or places. This
issue is dedicated to the
fourteen years worth of
memories within the land
of Sosaria and for those
who have fallen protecting
our Kingdom.