Yew Times 11

From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki

Revision as of 11:42, 30 April 2020 (view source) Administrator (Talk | contribs) ← Older edit		Latest revision as of 11:43, 30 April 2020 (view source) Administrator (Talk | contribs)
Line 170:		Line 170:
	Burns longer. Burns		Burns longer. Burns
	safer.		safer.
		+
	The Hermit -May: You		The Hermit -May: You
Line 179:		Line 180:
	can’t join them, then		can’t join them, then
	beat them.. ruthlessly.		beat them.. ruthlessly.
		+
	The Ancient Wyrm-July:		The Ancient Wyrm-July:
Line 190:		Line 192:
	out only once, then all		out only once, then all
	the better.		the better.
		+
	The Anvil-August: When		The Anvil-August: When
Line 211:		Line 214:
	faces of the people. Down		faces of the people. Down
	with the sugar cartels!		with the sugar cartels!
		+
	The Weaver-September:		The Weaver-September:
Line 219:		Line 223:
	holds the brew that is		holds the brew that is
	true.		true.
		+
	The Wisp-October: You		The Wisp-October: You
Line 233:		Line 238:
	spiral into uncertainly and		spiral into uncertainly and
	possible peril.		possible peril.
		+
	The Unicorn-November: A		The Unicorn-November: A
Line 242:		Line 248:
	majesty. Offer void		majesty. Offer void
	where prohibited.		where prohibited.
		+
	The Wanderer-December:		The Wanderer-December:

---

Latest revision as of 11:43, 30 April 2020

Title: Yew Times #11

Author: Yew Town Council

---

CURRENT NEWS

OFFICIALS ENLIST PROMINENT DETECTIVE IN ROBBERY CASE

The Britannian Council has requested the assistance of famous detective, Maurice Reynaud, to look into the recent string of home robberies where 14 residents were thoroughly looted of valuables while they slept, baffling both the victims and criminal investigators. Reynaud has stated himself that he is confident that the case will be resolved in short order once he has visited each of the crime scenes and interviewed the victims.

ENTERTAINER OFFENDS MAGINCIAN LISTENERS

Musician Eddie Charlton was met with boos and catcalls when he performed his new song before a Magincian audience. 'Virtuebane Went Down to Magincia' recounts the story of the demon challenging a young bard to a lute playing contest with the reward of a 14 karat gold lute to the lad if he should win. The demon is bested in a contest of musical execution, and the lad flushed with pride brandishes the golden prize and boasts to the defeated demon to return when if he ever wished to try again; at which point the demon seizes the young bard's soul. Listeners railed that the tune was in very poor taste in light of the fact that the topic hit too close to home.

ALCHEMIST GUILD EFFECTS LABEL POLICY

The alchemist guild is calling for a manditory placement of labels on potions sold to the public following an incident where a colorblind man exploded and showered 14 bystanders in a pink mist when he non-intentionally chugged the wrong potion. The alchemist guild hopes that similar future incidents can be avoided by this new label policy.

SHIPMATES NEED FOR SPECIAL MISSION.

Captain Dantes is looking for a crew of 14 doughty mariners who will accompany him on a special mission. Candidates should have a cast iron stomach, a will of steel, and a bladder of some strong material like steel that is not subject to rust as iron does. Particular desired skills are sailing, cannon operation, harpooning, and swimming if necessary. The good captain will discuss the details of the mission as he reviews prospective candidates at the Modest Damsel Inn in New Magincia this week.

ADVERTISEMENTS

When you need to fill your lantern or lamp Reach for the oil by Captain Decamp. Decamp’s fish oil burns much stronger, than other oils when the nights get longer. Captain DeCamp Fish Oil. Burns longer. Burns safer. One bottle lasts 2 whole weeks(14 days)

HOROSCOPES

The Peddler-January: Others are sensitive, and their feelings are easily hurt this morning. This is the day you've been waiting for.

The Mongbat-February: People who live in grass houses should not throw hot objects.

The Phoenix-March: The five second rule had been effectively doubled for you. You may now safely consume food items dropped on the ground if picked up within 10 seconds.

The Sea Dragon-April: Be particularly prepared this week…. By keeping your lantern filled with Captain Decamp’s Fish Oil. This horoscope prediction sponsored by Captain Decamp Fish Oil. Burns longer. Burns safer.

The Hermit -May: You have become too predictable lately. See? I knew you were going to say that. The Llama-June: If you can’t join them, then beat them.. ruthlessly.

The Ancient Wyrm-July: Remember, every person gets to sell out just 3 times in life. If you have sold out twice already, plan out carefully on how you will sell out your last time. If you have sold out only once, then all the better.

The Anvil-August: When life gives you lemons, you can be certain that it’s a conspiracy by the sugar producers to exploit recipients of cheap 3 gp lemons (which mysteriously just happen to fall into their hands, by the way) to coerce them to make lemon-aide using their obscenely marked up sacks of sugar. I mean, like 500 gp a sack. It’s just criminal. Stop being a pawn of the oppressive sugar cartels keeping their jackboots on the faces of the people. Down with the sugar cartels!

The Weaver-September: The flagon with the dragon holds the pellet with the poison, the chalice from the palace holds the brew that is true.

The Wisp-October: You will see the number ‘14’ everywhere you look; carved on walls, written on sidewalks, even spelled out in your soup where the noodles are made into numbers(pretty creepy, huh?) Your life will be governed by the number 14, and life will spiral into uncertainly and possible peril.

The Unicorn-November: A mystic llama herder will visit your town and will personally unfold for you the secrets to the universe in all of it’s majesty. Offer void where prohibited.

The Wanderer-December: Remember when you were told years ago that if you sneezed with your eyes opened, your eyeballs would pop out, and you didn’t believe them? Well guess what? That’s exacly what happens, and it isn’t pretty. You will actually see the surprised look on your own face for just a split second… Just kidding.. You will buy a nice hat this week, and you will receive a ton of compliments on your new look, and will feel very confident about your latest fashion statement.

Publish 2 Edition 11, 8-28-2011