Yew Times 11
From Atlantic Roleplay Wiki
| Line 190: | Line 190: | ||
out only once, then all | out only once, then all | ||
the better. | the better. | ||
| − | |||
The Anvil-August: When | The Anvil-August: When | ||
Revision as of 11:42, 30 April 2020
Title: Yew Times #11
Author: Yew Town Council
CURRENT NEWS
OFFICIALS ENLIST
PROMINENT DETECTIVE IN
ROBBERY CASE
The Britannian Council has
requested the assistance
of famous detective,
Maurice Reynaud, to look
into the recent string of
home robberies where 14
residents were thoroughly
looted of valuables while
they slept, baffling both
the victims and criminal
investigators. Reynaud has
stated himself that he is
confident that the case
will be resolved in short
order once he has visited
each of the crime scenes
and interviewed the
victims.
ENTERTAINER OFFENDS
MAGINCIAN LISTENERS
Musician Eddie Charlton
was met with boos and
catcalls when he
performed his new song
before a Magincian
audience. 'Virtuebane Went
Down to Magincia'
recounts the story of
the demon challenging a
young bard to a lute
playing contest with the
reward of a 14 karat
gold lute to the lad if he
should win. The demon is
bested in a contest of
musical execution, and the
lad flushed with pride
brandishes the golden
prize and boasts to the
defeated demon to return
when if he ever wished
to try again; at which
point the demon seizes
the young bard's soul.
Listeners railed that the
tune was in very poor
taste in light of the
fact that the topic hit
too close to home.
ALCHEMIST GUILD
EFFECTS LABEL POLICY
The alchemist guild is
calling for a manditory
placement of labels on
potions sold to the public
following an incident
where a colorblind man
exploded and showered 14
bystanders in a pink mist
when he non-intentionally
chugged the wrong potion.
The alchemist guild hopes
that similar future
incidents can be avoided
by this new label policy.
SHIPMATES NEED FOR
SPECIAL MISSION.
Captain Dantes is looking
for a crew of 14 doughty
mariners who will
accompany him on a
special mission. Candidates
should have a cast iron
stomach, a will of steel,
and a bladder of some
strong material like steel
that is not subject to
rust as iron does.
Particular desired skills
are sailing, cannon
operation, harpooning, and
swimming if necessary.
The good captain will
discuss the details of the
mission as he reviews
prospective candidates at
the Modest Damsel Inn in
New Magincia this week.
ADVERTISEMENTS
When you need to fill
your lantern or lamp
Reach for the oil by
Captain Decamp.
Decamp’s fish oil burns
much stronger,
than other oils when the
nights get longer.
Captain DeCamp Fish Oil.
Burns longer. Burns
safer.
One bottle lasts 2 whole
weeks(14 days)
HOROSCOPES
The Peddler-January:
Others are sensitive, and
their feelings are easily
hurt this morning. This is
the day you've been
waiting for.
The Mongbat-February:
People who live in grass
houses should not throw
hot objects.
The Phoenix-March: The
five second rule had been
effectively doubled for
you. You may now safely
consume food items
dropped on the ground if
picked up within 10
seconds.
The Sea Dragon-April: Be
particularly prepared this
week…. By keeping your
lantern filled with Captain
Decamp’s Fish Oil.
This horoscope
prediction sponsored by
Captain Decamp Fish Oil.
Burns longer. Burns
safer.
The Hermit -May: You have become too predictable lately. See? I knew you were going to say that. The Llama-June: If you can’t join them, then beat them.. ruthlessly.
The Ancient Wyrm-July: Remember, every person gets to sell out just 3 times in life. If you have sold out twice already, plan out carefully on how you will sell out your last time. If you have sold out only once, then all the better.
The Anvil-August: When life gives you lemons, you can be certain that it’s a conspiracy by the sugar producers to exploit recipients of cheap 3 gp lemons (which mysteriously just happen to fall into their hands, by the way) to coerce them to make lemon-aide using their obscenely marked up sacks of sugar. I mean, like 500 gp a sack. It’s just criminal. Stop being a pawn of the oppressive sugar cartels keeping their jackboots on the faces of the people. Down with the sugar cartels!
The Weaver-September: The flagon with the dragon holds the pellet with the poison, the chalice from the palace holds the brew that is true.
The Wisp-October: You will see the number ‘14’ everywhere you look; carved on walls, written on sidewalks, even spelled out in your soup where the noodles are made into numbers(pretty creepy, huh?) Your life will be governed by the number 14, and life will spiral into uncertainly and possible peril.
The Unicorn-November: A mystic llama herder will visit your town and will personally unfold for you the secrets to the universe in all of it’s majesty. Offer void where prohibited.
The Wanderer-December: Remember when you were told years ago that if you sneezed with your eyes opened, your eyeballs would pop out, and you didn’t believe them? Well guess what? That’s exacly what happens, and it isn’t pretty. You will actually see the surprised look on your own face for just a split second… Just kidding.. You will buy a nice hat this week, and you will receive a ton of compliments on your new look, and will feel very confident about your latest fashion statement.
Publish 2
Edition 11, 8-28-2011