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[Sitka]

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*The following is posted on various trees and public buildings*

In honor of the recent celebration of Sweetheart's Day. I'm releasing my special "Guide to Romance for Boys" once again. Here you are fellas!

"Sitka Lark's Guide to Romance for Boys"

Tell her you think shes cool. Tell her why you think shes so cool.
Or tell her she's hot. Either way its a win win scenario. Can't go wrong with temperatures EXCEPT the lukewarm bit.

Smell her hair. Smell her neck. Smell her ALL OVER. Yes, even her feet.
Sure, it will make her uneasy at first if you start sniffing all over - but girls like to feel uneasy. They like danger.

Pick her up and pretend you're going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it. Then really do it.
Brings new meaning to "Sweeping her off her feet."

Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Hold her hand and fall just to add spontaneity. Girls LOVE spontaneity. Just hold her hand.

Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. If you can't find flowers, use weeds. Remember its the thought that counts.
Us girls are always using that line - make them PROVE IT!

Take her to romantic places - like the healers, a graveyard and the morgue. She'll be the most lively girl anywhere.

Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Girls love humor. Give her a wedgie if that doesn't work or use a whoopee cushion.
That works too for the humor aspect.

Write poems about her. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Monkeys smell good, just like you! See? More on the smell part.
Chicks dig being told that you liked the way they smell.

Throw pebbles at her window at night. If that doesn't work, try rocks. If you really want to get her attention, try people.
Launching a midget with a catapult at her window is bound to get any lovely girl her full attention.

When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. Get mad and THEN kiss her. There really is something that to that whole "fun making up" stuff. Test the theory by taking it to new and dizzying heights - try killing her parents or siblings, trample her favorite cat or replace her shampoo with hair remover.... THEN KISS HER. Wow. Fireworks baby.

Call her. Usually by her own name gets the best effect. Calling her a "Sally" when she's really a "Melissa" doesn't seem to be as effective.

Carve your names into a tree. Carve your names into tables, walls, passerbys. If you choose the later, remember the "Hold her hand run" advice.
It'll save you some grief in the long run, but hey prison cells can be romantic too.

Give her piggy-back rides. Make her return the favor. Remember love is a two-way street - give and take. Remember to look both ways before crossing tho unless you want to get run over by a horse. It might ruin the mood, unless you're into threesomes and horses.

Push her on swings. Push her off swings. Girls like to be pushed, so be creative! Remember fellas, women love creativity and spontaneity.
I can NOT emphasize this enough!
Push her when she least expects it... like off a cliff.

Stay up with her all night when shes sick. Make her sick just so you CAN stay up with her all night. It is a special way to tell her you love her. If you really want to make it worth it, make it even more special. Make it something like the plague or other terminal illness. What is more romantic than saying you loved her all her life. "Til death do us apart" really rings true. If you really love her, reanimate her and bring her back and then do it again. That way you can use cool lines like, "Not even death could part us." and "Our love lasted lifetimes." Total chick magnet.

Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Write them on her - like her forehead in permanent ink. That will prove to everyone how much you love her. Everyone knows true love involves pet names. So take your time in choosing just the right one. Something like "Jiggles," "Sourtush," or "Thunderlips."

Buy her ice cream, chocolates or poison. Chicks dig gifts. Get her something no one else can ever get her to remind her how special she REALLY is to you. Her mother's severed head works. I mean that isn't something someone can really copy. So you totally get points for originality. Score! Go to the trouble and get it preserved so she can enjoy it for a long time.

Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast. Kiss her in the rain. Kiss her in a battle. Red is the color of love, fellas. USE IT! Draw her name on the ground in the blood of her fallen enemies. That's hot.

Remember in the end - When you fall in love with her, tell her - even if its with unbridled stalking.

By Sitka Lark
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