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[Ariana Lenoir]

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Phantom Minocian Sickness or PMS

Phantom Minocian Sickness, or PMS, is an ancient affliction that primarily affects females, although some males report having symptoms as well when exposed to affected females. It generally occurs in women beginning at the onset of puberty, but can affect women until middle age. The disease appears to evolve in afflicted women at middle age, turning into a temporarily more virulent and destructive form called Minopaws. The following facts were provided by MENSUCK, or the Minocian Emegency Nursing and Science University for the Care of Kinsfolk.

Facts of PMS:

It can affect the brain causing irrational behavior including severe mood swings, irrational behavior and spontaneous aggressive tendencies particularly to males. An afflicted female will exhibit signs of hysteria quite easily, often suffering delusions that they're actions are exceptionally rational when in actuality the opposite may be true.

An inflicted female's dietary needs change to include various foods that they may not normally consume in great quantities. Common foods include various forms of the cocoa tree, food that is high in sugar content and sometimes creamy, chilled milk by-products.

Although considered a lifelong affliction by many in MENSUCK, the symptoms seem to intensify in relation to the phases of the moons and sometimes is referred to as "the red tide" because of the bloody, carnal destruction left in the wake of the afflicted and the tendency of the those females afflicted to bleed from their nether regions accompanied by severe abdominal cramping usually soon after an severe case.

Women who come in close proximity to another whom is affected for an extended period of time on a regular basis can find themselves often coming under the affliction at the same time as the carrier. The effects of multiple afflicted women seem to amplify when in close proximity to one another and in some rare cases have shown that although the reactions tend towards male primarily, some verbal cannibalism has been shown between females in the area.

Weight gain is a common symptom, fluctuating dramatically over the course of the month long gestation of the disease and can induce hysteria when the affected discovers that it has created the lack of ability to fit themselves in previously worn attire.

Pregnancy seems to alleviate some of the symptoms such as the bleeding, although it appears to greatly aggravate and intensify the remaining symptoms throughout the gestation and even after the baby has been born. It is not recommended by MENSUCK as an effective way of combating this affliction.

Women seem to have an abnormally strong mental fixation on the removal of male genetalia and this will often intensify during conversations with males which will result in an emotional breakdown, followed by extreme aggression and the grabbing of sharp objects such as knives, broken bottles or swords before approaching the targeted male. In rare instances, cases have shown that the woman's cognitive function becomes further degraded and they have been observed grabbing blunt instruments including a spoon, hammer or rocks in their attempt to castrate a nearby male. Severe cases have been noted to exist when a woman will forgo any use of an instrument, choosing instead to grab the male by their balls and attempt to squeeze or twist them off. Men should use extreme caution when around affected women for their own personal health and the continuation of their ability to procreate.

Treatment for PMS:
While there is no known cure for Phantom Minocian Sickness, there are several methods used by experience healers to reduce or temporarily remedy the symptoms.

Under no circumstances should any male attempt to communicate in any significant manner to a woman afflicted at the peak of her symptoms. All conversation should be limited to positive remarks, even to the point of having to lie to the woman. This is particularly important when an afflicted woman questions a male regarding the changes of her weight. Praise, even false praise, seems to help soothe the illogical brain disorders of an afflicted woman and aide in protecting the male from physical harm by the woman. (see facts for more information on the danger).

Giving the woman the food she desires, also helps placate her and seems to help lessen the affects of PMS. It is important to always keep a supply of cocoa products on hand in order to temporarily pacify the woman as you search for the requested food. Under no circumstances should a male delay in finding the requested food as it may trigger an emotional breakdown and bring further danger to his personal being.

In further stages of the monthly symptoms, heat in the form of warm towels or scented baths should be offered to the woman as a way to help relieve the cramps and possibly help induce sleep. Inducing sleep is an effective method of not only combating the symptoms, but in protection those around the woman. It is not recommended that sleep be induced by striking the woman's head with a hard object, sleeping herbs, alcohol or by affixation as such methods have shown to aggravate the emotional imbalance of the woman upon waking up and often result in threats of extreme physical harm against those surrounding them.

The ability to hold or be close to infants or small, soft animals such as kittens or bunnies has shown remarkable results in clinical trials. When presented with such, afflicted woman showed 9 times out of 10 to became almost sedated and revert back to a infantile stage by communicating in simple vowel sounds such as "Ooo" and "Aaa" as well as babbling nonsense phrases reminiscent of early childhood capabilities. In further studies it was found that should the placation tools be harmed in any manner in their presence, the woman became visibly and vocally agitated with 35% found to break down and cry, while the other 65% went into an uncontrollable homicidal rage directed at the one responsible. While this method shows significant promise, it is recommended that extreme caution is used when handling the placation tools for the safety of those administering treatment.

by Sitka "Don't frack with me" Lark